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Unorthodox scribs

Thank you to all of my small but well appreciated following. I have slowed my posting dreadfully due to seasonal depression and starting a new job but with pain and suffering, I was pressed like coal to reveal something much brighter. As if all the light inside, the indestructible and relentlessly illuminating spark that refuses and in fact cannot go out survived to turn into something stronger. I will be trying new forms of postings and this is one small idea I had. But first some backstory…

I write thousands of notes to myself on my phone, legitimately it’s a massive collection I’ve feverishly jotted down before forgetting. It is a strangely cogent and whimsically creative volume of things I made mnemonics in my head for while at work to remember later, things I dreamt of, things based on thoughts or feelings about things that inspire me like movies or shows or books. Speaking of books it contains numerous ideas for them and formats of YouTube and blog series ideas. I decided this night that I need to take the thoughts into action and share these ideas and make them breath. The idea I will share today is a self affirmation I wrote to myself about when plans go awry and life isn’t exactly what you thought it would be and you aren’t where you thought you would be. It is a oath of strength from gentleness and something I hope will help at least somebody by sharing.

“Be happy wherever you are, let the feeling of ease and acceptance of what is wash over you, if you find yourself not where you planned on.. find things enjoyable about your new situation or obligation too, don’t waste moments on wishing you were somewhere else if it isn’t going to change anything. This doesn’t mean to stop dreaming, it just means don’t sacrifice the now for what could be…and if it truly is miserable then change it quickly. If you want to eat well eat well and you want a flat stomach then exercise, do not lament the journey to the gym or the effort it takes, relish in it and know good things come of work but work doesn’t need to feel bad or like you are just waiting for the end result, thrive on the journey, for real, stop stressing… let it go, accept and embrace everything you truly can and change what you cannot or remove yourself from it if it will not change. Be the peace and serenity you want to see in the world. Be the best example of what you believe is right, truly, under any bad reasoning your gut tells you is holding you back. Listen to your feelings and stop letting your overthinking dictate to you, exist for the moment and enjoy it”

I apologize if run on sentences aren’t your thing but as I said it was a note to myself. I hope with this new approach I can garner some more commentary on this blog and hopefully start some discussions. I would love to find some like minded friends who appreciate poetry, philosophy and spirituality too.

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My fantasy

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It is sunny, early during my run through these woods and down this gravel trail it had rained lightly, mixing with my sweat as I splash through collections of rainwater and let it adorn me without much of a thought

I have that feeling you might remember from when you were a kid running around without thinking of it as running and before you knew what dopamine was, a feeling of tangible glee from the sunlight absorbing into my skin and warming me

My friends are waiting to toss around a football like old times and cook on a charcoal grill by the water, we will try some new beer I made and go swimming, later have a campfire and tell stories

Like I had a few drinks I feel the world is a bit brighter maybe due to the sun and maybe do to the feeling of movement under my own power and authority, no, this fantasy doesn’t include working on a schedule or worrying about money

Just an energy of ease and a wisdom to appreciate it, not thinking too much but trusting the feelings all bubbling to the surface making it hard to question and hard to not trust

I want to feel the sun and the movement

I want to share these moments of beauty

I want to not fear sleep as the end of another day but welcome it as the sign of a new one to come

I would slow my speed and appreciate the skyline and smell the scent of the flowers, the moisture and really absorb and reflect the scenery

I’d know, I exist as one

Were all the universe

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I feel like my life is me constantly getting myself all hyped up to jump into cold water like at the lake when you’re a kid and you’re scared of deep water and they say you need to just jump in and this metaphor and imagery seems to follow you around but only for certain events that fit it really well but for me it feels like almost everything requires me to give myself a motivational speech and slap my face and take a leap over things that seem inane to most people but for me they are yet again cold deep water. It’s not always I feel this way and I’m still relieved and grateful for the times I feel stable but it does feel exhausting to tax the reserves of my nerves so often though I insist they keep up with my emotions and find a way to become stronger, though in this case by being stronger I’m reinforcing the idea I need to get a running start to walk a few steps and maybe I’m just too much into my own head and this imaginary idea I have of me based on the jarring effects of instability and I want to accept help and to feel okay believe me I dont have a victims complex and honestly I just want you to know whatever you are going through if I can get through the day you can too and I’m extending my hand through this screen hoping you’ll feel less alone

Saved

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Among all the webs of the stories

Those dazzling lights overwhelming and the dimly lit rooms allowing you to see

Wake up and stretch

I remember my dreams often, really almost all of them

I think it’s because I try to hold onto every experience

I feel like they give me insight into myself

Like some filter shuts off and I just experience this unfettered rush of emotions and ideas

Maybe this is slightly more scientific than artsy

But I do believe the two are related

It feels like dreams are another layer to this world

Like it is the way we store memory

I like to believe we are able to save everything good

The backup file of everything is safe

Like an autosave on a video game

Each flavor, scent, song and sight

The essence and worth of them

Here

A muse under artificial light s.a.d. yet reaching

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I always found wisdom in youth

Being a kid meant being attuned to yourself

No layers of culture, rules based on customs

Just a natural desire for love

Now while I try to navigate the more complex intricacies of myself

I find myself feeling like a kid still even around those younger than me chronologically

I guess I forget sometimes why it is a good thing

I might be naive sometimes but I hold onto my dreams

I might not do the same for a job but I wont waste years doing something suppressing

I’m always gonna stay about 21 years old inside

With the wisdom of someone much older than I, realizing the things they used to feel so free to feel

Smiling like it’s hard not to

Easy as it is

When you drop the imaginary weights

Maybe so many of us dream of being able to fly because we need to see the wider definition of the word

It’s really a feeling more than a mode of transportation

It’s the world rushing by dancing with the blood rushing inside your veins

I feel like we really can fly

Levitating or by just feeling real

And by real I mean knowing yourself necessary

I mean you know the world needs you

As each shred of love is real with no regard to size based on matter but on size based on invisible things like the feelings leading to motivating yourself to get out of bed and brush your teeth

Start again and keep refreshing the idea of a dream of feeling free to not worry

Of feeling attuned yet yourself

Adventures we needed

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Does it really matter if an adventure is done often?

Seeing as the definition seems to require novelty

We didnt go dancing every Saturday

But when we spontaneously invented dances to third eye blind it felt like flying

Sequestered seconds only feel right if you dont seem them as such

And I’m tired of keeping track

The hours are what they are but I truly believe we are immune to what we believe we are immune to

Maybe I went through so much so soon so the rest would be better than measure

I believe this is true

Let’s build a boat

Leave to where the sun shines and brings the magic of the universe onto the receptive

Let’s realize weve been in the dark long enough

Soak the essence of the light and breath

The end isnt the end I swear

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Am I really so needy

Am I ready to see me feeding myself the things I need to hear me say and to answer the questions too important to allay

Hearing now myself coalescing with the science of faith

Excuse me the me I thought I was I know I’m escaping and shedding such imaginary faces

Keep moving they say you cant run without races I guess because how much fun is running on a rotating track to nowhere as you stare towards a brick wall symbolic of your own mind but at least you recognize it so you think to yourself it’s a start

You ever hope your favorite singer could feel your energy when you belted out their song?

Is it the strangest thing to just exist here following impulses instead of love?

I think and therefore I know and realize there must be more than automatic impulses because otherwise its just an inevitability we shouldnt ever need to suffer over… our ability to feel this much shows us the truth.. it would never exist if we just existed to die and nothing else

The science eventually discovers while it needed to question it is also the way of the universe to grow out of love

The sun shines brightest after the dark

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Sometimes I wake up and I really hate myself for feeling the need to sound eloquent

Trying to bend language into something beautiful for what?

To take credit for it?

To stand there smugly and show my validity?

Who am I to deserve a stage or an audience?

I wake up some days so heavy with self loathing

Like I want to rip out my ego as if it was it’s own organ and destroy it

So I can finally feel okay with myself

I could finally feel like I didnt give a gift just to feel like I did a good thing

Eventually I find my stability just as I’m about to cut into myself and remove it

I remember in order to love anybody else I need to love myself because if I didnt love myself I wouldn’t feel like my love was worth giving to anyone

I had to remember nothing is created or destroyed and I cant remove myself from this universe

I wake up some nights hoping my self can dissolve with the last light of day into the night and be reborn not me

But then I remember all those things I’m harboring are not me. They are just ideas.

I wake up some days and I remember I am free

And those days make it worth it to keep going

Knowing I am not insignificant and I have value

I wake up and say to myself it will be okay

5 more minutes I said to the snooze button

I’m often nicer to inanimate objects than to myself

30 seconds or I’ll be late I said to my imaginary work self image

I woke up this morning

Let’s start a new style shall we?

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I lived a life of a thousand little aches rolling through my veins circulating and strangulating the investigation of my own exasperations and qualifying the falsifying was the except I wrote myself just a dry book kept dusty on the shelf so full of useful clues you should have used but stashed instead like a breaking board wannabe runaway hit strange days ahead as these words escape my head through this plastic tiny tablet and the reach is so organic as a cyborg like data the hero we thought he could be was a vision of our future being bulletproof because it was made out of fatal mercury dipped sabres and consequential documentarian solicitors who didnt read the weather by smelling the air but instead poured bleach on the sidewalk and stared as it made one big empty space and walked away self assured

I choose this belief

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I just want to touch

This feeling where I’m worthwhile

It feels like my words are so juvenile

This rhyme scheme is boring

Im noticing it has no value

What it was or what it could be is distorted by what it should be

Not so deep and not so terrible

This writing began to become bearable

But now while the quiet hum from this fridge accompanies me and creates a sense of security

Its electric thrum beating its drum giving unconscious evidence to its existence and the meaning of all this

You are stuck with you and even if you become someone else youre still stuck with them

When the boy seemed unsure reassurance was given and it didnt explain anything as to how but it established the belief things get better