You know some days as I’m driving to work, I just feel this weight on my foot, urging me to just stop my car exactly where I am… just get out, break the routine and start wandering. I steal myself and get a false sense of doing this by waiting it out to a stop sign ahead. Yet it isn’t enough to really quell the desire. I long desperately for adventure. I want to see the world with my whim as the wind in my sails. I believe in all honesty it is human nature to explore, to want for a sense of growth. I find I am unable to settle into a job for very long or anything really. I do have bases of operation where I feel very attached occasionally, yet this attachment is from memories made, not from the land itself. A sense of living is bestowed on the land by those who occupy it. I guess you could say to a degree it is what you make of it, and we may for a while entertain ourselves by shifting our view of a given establishment. However the affect of self-delusion doesn’t last very long as our desire to explore grows and we become increasingly aware the world around us only has changed as much as we altered our view of it. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe we make the world around us to a high degree, only I know this only goes so far, as to allow for growth and outward seeking. I know we must grow from within so we may flourish without.
I just really want to explore the world, see new things, feel the rush of moving into what I do not know. Some days I wonder how I can do this. In a society always taxing and regulating how do I move about as I want? How do I go under my own direction when so often I find myself being forced to divide my hours until I feel so exhausted by the act of faking acceptance of this status I no longer have the energy to go after what I really long for? I feel most of us in some way want what I want. Yes some may be satisfied with security and living mildly. I am not able to suppress my urge for more on the other hand.
I do try to find the deeper meaning in the smaller things. The meditative quality of menial tasks. The realization of the good in everything and the effort not to marginalize small miracles. I realize one may make the mundane into something more fulfilling. Yet in an established way of minimalist spirituality it is difficult to maintain such effort if you feel alone. Inherently I don’t feel my belief waning based on those around me, only I feel taxed by the effort of bringing the feeling to everyone else. Its like trying to spark a fire and the wood just wont light. Its become too wet with mild and tame ways.
I say refute structure where it is limiting vision! Do not let archetypes rule your view of your world. We all see life through a filter of what we know and what we are willing to know. As enlightened searchers of spiritual wisdom we must rid ourselves of filters and see what everything really is and what it may be. What I mean by this is viewing life like an artist views a blank canvas. Everything we artificially create may have an intended use yet we must not forget the parts of the sum. Despite my disbelief in anything being artificial, I say this not in the sense anything is “fake” as I do not believe in this outside of it as an idea. Everything in existence is by my definition natural; if it may be, it is natural. I only mean to say what is unnatural in the sense of unhealthy for our intellect is to limit ourselves by maintaining only one definition for any given idea. We have so many ways to view .
I used a math metaphor in this idea. Now math has been assigned the role of droll and overly bland, yet many transcendent ideas may be found inherent in it. I do not know advanced math, as a matter of fact I haven’t done anything beyond algebra. However I do know the basic concepts behind it. I know the very idea of a number is an ideal. One unit is an arbitration. It is an imaginary concept and thus very interesting. We derive solutions yet the numbers are only perfect denominations because we decide they are. This very idea brings so many questions. It gives the idea of quantifying in an objective way, yet simultaneously shines light on the truth of each sum being relative according to a host of ever changing variables. In a infinite universe this means endless alterations. We also see how the intangible is the most “real” and the tangible is highly based on how we view it.
I hope I am reflecting my ideas here. As I am writing this with no real sense of direction, save for whatever my inner truth deems worth writing. I have for my whole life tried to make myself strong in every way. I sought mental strength. I long to take in more and more, and to seek realization of higher knowledge and wisdom. I sharpened my body as a conduit for higher instructions. I value spiritual growth intensely. I figured eventually bettering myself would lead me somewhere. And for all my efforts I have realized maybe my real journey is in doing this without lapse. I decided to write down what I have learned so far as an adventuring soul. Honestly I get so full of ideas, I only really feel like I can relax once I write them out.
I really have a love for writing by hand. I feel the automation of things on such a huge scale is necessary for our growth in a way, yet we lose something for it. I have a romantic view of a world before all the technology we have. Of relying on our imaginations, making jokes for ourselves, not needing electronics to bring us laughter. Of the beautiful quality of longing for another when away, not knowing when you will see them again, instead of being able to message them whenever you feel like it. I don’t think these sentiments are not existent in modern media. I know there is definite beauty in quality shows and movies and even video games. I suppose it is really just how one uses it. Only it has gone to such a scale where we often mire ourselves with too much bright electronic light where we let our imagination lose its ability to easily form abstractions. I suppose our love of electronics is natural really. We seek to emulate our inner world on the outer world. We want to vibrantly and not just symbolically, actually realize our inner visions.
Everything in moderation it is said. I do believe this, like much in knowledge is both true and false harmoniously. I view myself as a sort of extremist. I believe if you are going to do something, do so with full heart and do not hold back. However I do also admire the virtue of temperance. I know how we act and not just the intensity matters as well. I believe for one to have harmony, you must include extremes. Being an extremist in context of todays language really just means, for me anyway, in following through on your beliefs, not tolerating compromise in your adherence to them. Otherwise the other definition would be trivial really, only the idea of dividing roles of each level of intensity. I believe once you compromise, you start giving up what you really want from life. So really when one says moderation they are not saying to hold back as it is often taken for, they are saying do not forget about the other things you may be ignoring.
I fully intend for this to remain as free verse as some semblance of order allows. Here I am writing of my writing you are reading… highly unorthodox… yet this is really the reason I am doing so for one. I just find structuring too much would steal quality I am trying to aspire towards free, unhindered ideas. I want one to be immersed In this and deeply intrigued not for flashy buzz word chapter titles or by fine ornate and boring formal writing sections but for its content as read thoroughly. I want to attempt to inspire by breaking with tradition and with rules and showing another way of expressing a view.
When one thinks of home what do they really speak of? I suppose for most it is where they feel safe, where they feel in their own land. I believe we must be these things for ourselves. We must aspire for safety in our own skin, a sense of oneness with ourselves if we ever want to find solace in an ever shifting reality. We attempt to create a sense of fortitude in things yet we know inherently what is undying is our inner ideals. I am not saying there is anything wrong with bringing ourselves out into the world and arranging our environment to suit us. In fact I believe we shouldn’t stop trying to. I only feel we need to remember when we are one with ourselves, when we know ourselves we aren’t ever lost, not really anyway.
Our material world is full of amazing and vivid sensations. I find the ebb and flow of it all excruciatingly desirous and yet it betrays the truth of the forces guiding it in a way. Everything is not what it seems. Outward strength may fail, inner strength does not as long as you decide you are still strong, you are. Our awareness may be forced to a state of failure, of indecision, yet if we listen, our inner voice guides us to where we want to go. Awareness is really what drives us. If we strive for it, it often eludes us, if we ignore it, it seems to shout for our senses to find it. It is the mystical reasoning leading us to find answers to questions and questions to answers.
Life is full of mystery. It is only boring if you let it stay so by your own view. Our very existence raises questions.