Tags
blog, existential, free verse, poem, poetry, spilled ink, words
I walked outside today after feeling restless and overwhelmed
It felt like all of the struggles and challenges, the unjust and ridiculous nature of them was swarming me
Like unless I dealt with it, somehow grew a thousand arms or had endless energy and resources, I would fail and get overrun like they were the sea
It felt like nothing I could think of would solve it, even if it should
Then I stepped outside
I heard the sounds around me, felt them really
I felt, absorbed, the sunlight as it seemed to dissolve these illusions and reflections
I realized I had been kicking myself and saying I was wasting my day, saying I wasted too many of my days to make anything of myself
Then on some level of myself I hadn’t realized was dormant, I suddenly had the thought occur:
It is okay to struggle, having these issues is not your fault, you are not a failure
It is not too late, yeah nobody else is able to solve it for you but extreme responsibility means accepting you must save yourself, it doesn’t mean you undervalue yourself or blame yourself
I didn’t decide to have these issues, it’s just what I have to deal with
While the humid air made it feel sort of like I was in water, it was not the helpless type
It was more like the feeling of flying, like you might imagine, flight I’d guess isn’t so much a freefall or direct movement like levitation
You need to have the ability to sense the air around you, to move against it and so like the buoyancy of water, this air felt heavier and thus its weight made me feel lighter
this with the breeze, the acceptance of the heat and the appreciation of this feeling of oneness, of the world as not this stranger, this decidedly unjust arbitrary thing, not of this desire to escape the world, to hover and levitate without need of nourishment or any logical sense to it…
It was more like it was on my side and with me, and of me as well
I was the air and the breeze and not just using it
I saw the ideas of struggle and realized they were useless
I didn’t try to replace them either
I just was