I was there
Holding myself to this unattainable standard
Because every time I lifted myself up
Like climbing a mountain to find out
There’s nobody to talk to up there
And there was something else wrong and while it did make me strong it would have been nice if somebody could have said something just once, some small kindness to let me know I wasn’t a destroyed mess and always wrong to someone other than myself and they valued my being there like it would be a loss if I just left
Someone vital to the team, the heart of a band
A rogue and a mystery but when I went they’d miss me
Explain all the things I didn’t know or didn’t see
What I helped them carry
I’ve fought hard to get through those days to remain when no one there asked me to stay vicariously imagining my narrative as fiction to make it feel less insane this idea they would abandon me, something I would never do…and so I question myself ask if it’s good enough, I have these out of body experiences -seeing hypothetically through anothers eyes-and these vivid dreams of what it would be like where growing up so different wasn’t so hard and where a long lost acquaintance remembered me and apologized for ignoring me or teasing and ganging up on me when I was so alone and needed somebody to realize I was there, just some recognition I was more than another face out of the masses
I’ve held it together year after year and I keep trying to hold onto what I’ve learned and find a way out of this, no money car barely running being disrespected now by somebody hardly any older than me who simply had mom and dad send them to school for free handed to them these brainwashing mindless worthless degrees nobody seems to truly value knowledge and learning just another business burning books wheels and gears turning to fuel this yearning to belong
I still haven’t given in or given up, maybe I’m stubborn but im staying strong… I’m starting to see it turn around, when you commit to the truth of yourself and you relentlessly march and won’t quit, while those around you won’t encourage you, no faith except in yourself one day you’ll be okay I say while im all alone
It’s okay, really, no really, it is
I’m not the only one asking why I’m here, seeing everything I do as some alien movie just going through the motions trying to light these emotions when it seems like there’s always someone waiting to throw water on the fire, trying to end my desire to reach for something higher, those uncanny moments seeming to confirm you really are in it alone with nowhere to call your home and you say to yourself you’ll use the rejection and wrongs as guidance and to find what you need by some arduous form of eliminating all the scenes where you don’t belong
I hope you know by now maybe by the hopefully authentic sound to this imaginary beat inside my head to a tune with the words you read as they’re said and a flow stemming forth from a natural emotive, elective word choices intuitively given voices to this feeling of dealing with being alone and trying to make sense of it all and trying to hone, this vision of an art form and a message I’ll send, to all those who listen i hope it helps mend, any broken tired restless hearts and maybe somehow this was meant for you, a missive to bring you solace